Moms Off Script
Megg & Mere | Two Moms, One Podcast, Zero Manual | A Community for moms who don't always have it figured out and are writing the script as they go.
Moms Off Script
MOS E29: "From a respectful parenting perspective"
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Welcome to Moms Off Script, a podcast for moms who are just trying to figure it out. This week Megg & Mere are getting into some big feelings. Tune in as they discuss how they handle toddler tantrums, setting boundaries and raising emotionally intelligent children.
CREDITS: Original content: Megg Abelein & Meredith Finch
Set design, videography: Megg Abelein & Meredith Finch
Music: Matt Beebe
Photography: Michelle Montinieri
Graphic Design: Alexia Dulieu
Editing & Production: Megg Abelein
my reaction to what you guys were doing was not an equal and appropriate reaction. And I'm sorry for that. And that's what I feel like all I can do in that scenario. And all we can do as moms, make sure that we are controlling our feelings and controlling what we can as much as possible. But when we get out of control is apologize and treat our kids like they are humans.
SPEAKER_00You're hitting on the most important thing that I think, which is modeling. Let's do it.
SPEAKER_02All right, cheers. Hey guys, welcome back to another episode of Momsoft Script. I'm Meg. And I'm Mary. And we are so excited that you are here with us today. Yeah. How are you?
SPEAKER_00I'm good. What do I have going on? Nothing. Life is good. The weather's warmer. We're outside. I actually texted one of our neighbor friends, Chelsea, friend of the pod, who has our community water slide stored at her house and said, do you think we should get the water slide out today? And she said, no, not yet. And I was like, all right, yeah, that's fine. It was a little bit early. But it is wee bit early. Yeah, she was right. But I think we should pull out the community water slide before the girls' birthday weekend this year and enjoy it all summer. It's Memorial Day weekend we've gotten into the habit of grilling for the neighbors and I think we'll do that again this year. And we'll, if it's nice, we'll whip it out for that.
SPEAKER_02What's new with you though? I have been feeling for the past I don't know six, seven months like I'm in some sort of perimenopause post babies, post I don't even know. My body is just not mine. And I've been struggling with that for the last couple months. So I've tried a couple different things whether it's fitness routines or changing my vitamins, changing my medications up and just kind of trying to see what it is. Not a whole lot of success in like the trial and error process. I finally pulled a plug and I went to my OB and I was just like listen my body is off. I have some irregular bleeding my ovulation week is hell. Oh god this is just where I need to start. I don't know if it has anything to do with my reproductive system but it's an easy place to start. Okay. She sent me for an ultrasound. My first ultrasound for all of my symptoms was taken right after I ovulated. So the cyst that the egg kind of hangs out in before ovulating was still hadn't like dissipated in my ovary and like I had like a thick uterine wall. Okay. So there were no like serious findings but they essentially she used that as a baseline ultrasound. So then we waited three months and I went back and got a second ultrasound. At that ultrasound she saw what she thought might be a polyp. Okay. Now a polyp would line up with my symptoms as far as like irregular bleeding or heavy menstrual cycles. So with that we decided to move forward with a histosanohistogram? Sonohistogram histosonogram? I don't know I don't know histosonogram sounds more correct. Yeah histosonogram what is it it was an ultrasound where they injected dye into my uterus. Okay. So it was a vaginal ultrasound but doctor did it and you know put a catheter through my cervix injected dye and then the ultrasound tech went in and did a vaginal ultrasound. Okay. Was it uncomfortable? I don't think a man could have handled what I went through if no pain motion could never it was no more uncomfortable than a pap smear. Okay. Um in my scenario she said I handled it very very well which leads me to believe that there are other women who when they get catheters I'm sure it is extremely painful. Yeah it was pinching there was bleeding afterwards. So it I wasn't a walk in a park. No it was not a walk in a park I'm not somebody who finds discomfort in that because I don't know it just like whatever. You're sucking it up. Do whatever I am probably just sucking it up. Yes. This is wild. So they do the histosonogram find nothing. Okay. And then the ultrasound tech God bless her soul and I love my OB by the way like love my OB but the the ultrasound tech says to the OB, she's like before you take the catheter out or before you do the biopsy because they also did a biopsy of um my uterine lighting before you do the biopsy can you just put a little bit more dye like in the bottom like low a little lower the uterine wall is really thick. I just want to make sure that we're seeing everything. Okay. And so she like squirts a little more dye in and there it was there was a polyp. It requires surgery but it is more of a quality of life fix rather than like a health concern. Okay. There's really no health concerns with it other than my quality of life and my discomfort. So we haven't quite decided that's a health concern that is a health concern 100% that's a health concern. But it's not like a life or death health concern. Okay, fair. So we haven't figured out what we're gonna do but I'll keep you guys updated if we don't go into any surgeries or anything like that. Yeah that's kind of where I'm at I will say I did so again love my OB and I you know asked her all the questions of what if we want to have more kids will this affect that my high level of physical activity will this get better if I have the surgery all the questions that I had for her um those are just a couple and then she you know gracefully happily exited the room and I looked at the ultrasound tech and I was like thank you so much for advocating for my uterus it was so funny because I was like in that moment I was so grateful for her for saying something but I didn't feel like she was advocating for me. She was literally advocating for my uterus. Yeah and I was like thank you and she just she cracked up and I was like no really though like my uterus had something to show you and it wasn't working and you spoke up and I really appreciate you for that.
SPEAKER_00I love everything about this story other than the obvious discomfort and like everything you're dealing with but like the fact that you were like something is wrong. I've been trying to deal with it with all the you know the quote unquote easy fixes with my diet and my vitamins and my meds and my fitness whatever and it nothing was working something is off. I went to my doctor they believed me we did something about it. The tech like pushed for what she thought she that you needed and now you have something that you can do something. Right. So like obviously it's not a good scenario because of the obvious reasons but I'm really impressed by the way that you approached it in a really logical way and like dealt with it as opposed to just being like oh guess that's just being a woman you know like yeah and I did have I will say I did have some of that and I think that's just again part of our gender or whatever.
SPEAKER_02But yeah I mean I felt like at that point in my life I was like I'm I'm not young anymore. I can't just pretend like this stuff is gonna go away and if there's something really wrong like I need to figure that out sooner rather than later. And you don't have to suffer enough about me. Let's jump into the there's never enough of you but yeah sure let's jump into the episode Mare just tell me how funny your kids are right now.
SPEAKER_00Oh my God. This is such a fun age and they're hilarious. A thousand percent they're so fun right now and honestly the stuff that really gets me going is when the two of them get each other oh my gosh it's so funny. Oh my God the other day they're taking a bath first of all they're taking a bath together thank God which almost never happens half the time I've got to get them in separately and it's a whole ordeal but for whatever reason they were in the bath together it was filled with bubbles I like loaded up with the whole bath and I was in I was kind of coming in and out of the bathroom. I was like folding laundry whatever but like within hearing distance at all times. And I could hear them cracking up in the bathtub. I like poked my head I didn't want to disturb them and like poked my head around and I'm watching and what they're doing is they each have a scoop that I use to wash their hair and they're scooping up soapy water sipping it and then like like spit taking on each other. Oh my gosh I love it. Keening their pants laughing cracking up laughing every time belly laugh especially my two year old her belly laugh is so funny and like she thinks Teddy is so funny and Teddy is just like he's loving the attention that she's giving him they were just cracking each other up in the tub and I was like biting my tongue trying not to interrupt it because I wanted to just watch them interacting with each other. Oh my god it was so funny.
SPEAKER_02That's hilarious I could go on and on I love it my kids do that at the at the kitchen table all the time just get each other going. Well especially during breakfast because we don't sit with them during breakfast right and they sit across from each other. Yes and they just like get going. But they will do it at dinner and they'll could just see if they can like push our buttons and then they'll like start laughing at each other after they've tried to push our buttons. I thought you were saying that they like do the spit take at each other I was like at the table no no no no they just make each other laugh make each other laugh I mean they no they make each other laugh they're not spit taking they would get in trouble if that was the case what else are they doing that's picking you up mostly they're dancing I would say like they are so funny. They're really into K-pop demon hunters right now as one as one they like get in their feels like they have dance moves and they're like moving and grooving and then they've started so they got a microphone or my daughter got a microphone for her birthday. So they'll sing karaoke on the microphone and the lyrics that they come up with are so funny. Like they think they're singing the song oh my God and they just are saying the most bizarre gibberish words and it's so funny. And they've now gotten to a point where like they'll put on shows for us. So one will have the microphone and one will be dancing and then they'll switch but now not only does like is there a singer and a dancer sometimes the singer will like hold the microphone over to the dancer so the dancer can like say their line. Okay. Yes it's oh my god hilarious and they like put on little shows for us I'm obsessed with that they're so so funny I have one more for you okay so for Easter Teddy got a bunch of Kit Kats and his Easter eggs.
SPEAKER_00Oh he told me about this mint ones. Yes very obsessed with Kit Kats and the other day we were in the car and he was telling me about how he had Kit Kat and I was like do you know there's a song about Kit Kats and he was like wait wait for it you'll know it. And he's like there is and I'm like yeah he goes can you sing it for me? I'm like yeah so I go give me a break give me a break break me up can you say that Kit Kat bar and he like cracks up he thought that was so funny.
SPEAKER_02Oh yeah and then later that night I hear him upstairs with Joey and I'm downstairs and he goes daddy did you know mommy taught me a song about Kit Cats and Joey goes really what is it he goes I got it I got it again he goes kick cat kick cat break me break me kick cap on I almost fall over it so much and he sang it so confidently like he's like these are the words that's how they are oh my god so funny oh god and the confidence is what is so funny it's even more hilarious and Joey cracks up because he knows what it actually was like he like put it together he's like oh man is definitely singing that song so funny literally I need to pull myself together oh my okay so when they're not being absolutely hilarious they're probably being calm but the flip side is super extreme other extreme oh the other extremist toddlers they're terrors sometimes holy moly would you consider yours and Joey's parenting style like gentle parenting I I like the term respectful parenting but it falls in the same bucket.
SPEAKER_00The things that have resonated with me is when someone says if you were in the middle of something and someone said go put your shoes on, we have to go right now you'd be like well wait I'm in the middle of this like you would be frustrated so why do we expect our kids to be like drop what they're doing and go put their shoes on. 100% right or if you went into a party where you didn't know anyone and you were nervous and you wanted to stay with your parent, like you would be nervous. And it wouldn't be helpful to hear it's fine, you're fine, go. Like how would that make you feel? Yeah so I very much put myself in their shoes and try to imagine like how are they feeling in this moment and how would I feel in this moment and what would I need because even though the things that they're upset about or having big feelings about seem ridiculous to us for them it's really important. Yeah. So that's how I try and think about it is from a respectful parenting perspective in terms of respecting their feelings and that they have feelings and that those feelings are valid even if they seem insane to me.
SPEAKER_02Right, right. What about you though? So I don't know if I've like would say that we've taken like a gentle parenting approach. We've definitely taken like a respectful parenting I will say we are parenting like millennials for so true. We are millennial parents through and through I never did a ton of like reading or research on gentle parenting so I didn't go into it. I feel like I got it through social media. Yeah you know and I feel like it's the way our culture is parenting which is really important and I think it's great. For me the big thing is is respecting them. Right and and meeting them where they're at I will say like the coach in me and I think the mom in me wants to push my kids to their potential. Yeah. And so there are moments where I kind of have to check myself. The whole thing is respecting right but is this the right place to push or is this the right place to respect? Yes. And even though a push is respectful, what they feel might not feel that way.
SPEAKER_00Yes. So it's like that balance. Yeah it's like when your kid is at the pool and you know they'll have fun if they just jump in but they're scared and it's like how do you help them do it? And there's the I'm gonna push them in. Right like I'm just gonna hip check them. I'm gonna walk by and hip check them. Right. Or there's okay well you don't have to get in and they spend the whole summer by the side of the pool right like there's there's there's a happy medium in there and what is it and finding what is it and figuring that out.
SPEAKER_02And and it's also interesting um as a parent of two and I'm sure a parent of more kids and like more multiples it's tricky because each kid is different. Yes. Talk to me a little bit about what regulation looks like at your house. For me or for them exactly no that's a great question.
SPEAKER_00I guess for them I mean are they good at it now they are both getting much better at it. Teddy is really good at it AJ is getting a lot better.
SPEAKER_02Okay and that's I mean what they're 22 months apart so that's a big not a big age gap but they're they're big enough I feel it's a noticeable difference.
SPEAKER_00Yeah yeah but they're at a noticeable learning difference a thousand percent I have different standards for them because Teddy is almost five and AJ is only two and a half and that is a big difference.
SPEAKER_02Their developmental stages are different. Yes exactly yeah mine are both pretty good at regulating now I think because of their age gap she feeds off of him and like recognizes I would argue in some scenarios that she is better at regulating than he is. So he's very empathetic. And so I think for him the reason it takes him so long to like regulate is that he actually is trying to figure out and like work through a true big feeling not just like a big physical temper tantrum that a toddler might have. Right right but he has gotten better at it I will say we have actually this is a funny story. Okay. So at school they have the cozy corner so they don't do timeout. Oh yeahout no okay we don't do timeout either but there's the cozy the comfy cozy corner the cozy corner the comfy cozy snugly corner yeah the corner so they have cozy corner and so at school the rule is and this is like from age one on okay so if cozy corner if you are acting up or if you're dysregulated or you know big emotions you go to the cozy so go sit in cozy corner. So my thought process was like okay this is what they're doing every day so I'm gonna bring it home. Okay. Because I I didn't hate it and it were it made sense to me. So I started putting my son in cozy corner. Where's your cozy corner in your house? I was using the edge of the couch or the chair in my daughter's room but at that point my daughter was very young so her room was very much like not a playroom space at that point. So it's the corner of the couch. So I start putting my son in cozy corner regularly when he is dysregulated. Now he's two three at this point. Okay. I know what cozy corner means my son knows what cozy corner means as far as like it he needs time to chill not time out. Yeah chill but my husband I I didn't click to me that like he wouldn't know that that was not a conversation there. So I come home one day oh god and put him in cozy corner and like it bundled him up in blankets and told him he was in the cozy corner just because it was a train. I was like oh no that's my fault I never communicated that we worked through that. So they we did a cozy corner at home okay because it's what they did at school and then we kind of transitioned to needing to talk and that's kind of the trigger with them right now is like if you the consequence to the action is if you don't listen or if you're gonna not do these things like we have to go talk about it. Oh okay you can choose to not listen you can choose to do what you're doing and that's opposite of what the family is doing but then we have to have a conversation about it. Okay because you have to understand why what you're doing is wrong and or I have to understand why you're choosing not to do it. And so we may get a conversation it's not like a I have to tell you something or I have to teach you something. Yeah. It is very much the opportunity for it to be a back and forth. Yeah. It doesn't always end up that way because they actually are quote unquote misbehaving or don't know what they're doing wrong. So they don't know how to articulate it. But we feel like if we can articulate it to them they will learn the skills to articulate it back to us. And it's worked. They can articulate things to us which has been really rewarding to see when we do then have those talks. Do you guys do anything like cozy corner or like anything like that in your house when kids are getting like a little we don't wound up we don't have anything like that.
SPEAKER_00They had a cozy at school for both of them when they went to daycare but the cozy was like truly I don't think it was used for that purpose. It was like oh if you want to read if you want to smuggle if you want to lay down like and if you're tired like that kind of thing. So there wasn't something at school that we felt like we had to emulate I also think both of mine have such different manifestations of their big feelings. Yeah. Like when Teddy has big feelings he was never a big tantrum kid don't get me wrong he had tantrums but that wasn't how they manifested for him. He would just get really sad and he would cry and he would want comfort and there was no kind of talking him out of it or like okay it's been 20 minutes let's move on he just needed to be sad until he was done being sad. Yes. And whether that was with me or on his own he just needed to kind of work through the feeling and there was not like let's draw our feelings why don't we punch a pillow let's go outside like all those things I talk about. He doesn't need any of that he just wants to sit and be sad until he's done being sad. AJ has been much more challenging for me personally because her feelings are explosive right when she has a big tantrum it she will throw herself on the floor she like and I will be worried about like I have to like catch her so she doesn't hit her head. Yeah right throw herself on the floor kicking screaming very dysregulated and in many cases she does not want physical comfort at all. And that was really difficult for me at first where I was like so used to Teddy who wanted to just kind of sit and smuggle with me and just process she was like I need space like kicking and screaming did not want me near her. And I felt like a horrible mother being like okay let me walk away and I would never like leave her leave her I'd be like sitting a few feet away or sitting in the hall while she was in her room kicking and screaming on the floor and I was like I feel like I should be giving her comfort but that's not what she needed. And if I ever tried to hold her it would make it 10 times worse. Like she would freak out even more like she was being constrained and freaked out. Yeah. So it was a learning process for me with her to understand what worked for her because it was so different from Teddy. And she's also not at the phase yet where she can do kind of a talk it out thing. Okay. She just her feelings hit her all at once they become explosive I will sit with her and be like do you need me right now or do you need space? And that's kind of all we can articulate is I need you or she'll climb in my lap or she'll say I need space and she needs to just work through that. When she gets to the point where I can be in her space and she'll come and sit with me and we can like breathe together and come out of the big feeling and bring ourselves back down. Then we can maybe have a conversation about okay you were upset because you wanted to wear your pink dress and it's in the wash or like whatever it was but in the moment she she still has that explosive thing that she needs to work through.
SPEAKER_02My daughter has had a lot more physical reaction to big feelings than my son ever did. So I can empathize a little bit with that. I think the other piece you talked a lot about is like breathing and that was a skill that we worked on with our kids from day one. Yeah. From the moment they started having tantrums it was take a deep breath. Take a deep breath and now that backfired for a few for a little while because they would hear take a deep breath and I think it triggered them more.
SPEAKER_00I'm I'm misregulated I don't want to I've heard they've said I don't want to when I well and I think go back to respectful parenting like if I'm pissed if someone says to me take a deep breath I'd be like you will fuck yourself.
SPEAKER_02Right. 100% and like that's part of all of this too is we as adults don't know how to regulate half the time. I came back to like what are things that help me regulate? And breathing is one of them. If I can teach my kids to breathe maybe that is a strategy that they can use when they're Trying to regulate. Now, a new one that I've kind of moved towards as they've gotten a little bit older is squeezing. Oh, yeah. So I will give them a finger. And this is big feelings, they're having some sort of a tantrum for whatever reason. Even if it's they're frustrated with me, I love how you talked about you're gonna comfort them or you're gonna give them the space, you're gonna give them what they need. But then we ultimately have to come back to the conversation. And so I found a lot of times, like even if they're like pissed at me or like I'm the cause of their stress, they still want me or they still need my presence. And I'll honor that. Like I'll recognize that. But I'll kind of like I'll give them my thumbs or I'll give them my pinkies and I breathe with and I'll be like, okay, inhale, squeeze and breathe out. Inhale, squeeze and breathe. And they do it. And then you start to see like they pull their sleeves up and they start to wipe their face and they recognize, like, okay, I'm okay. Like I'm in a place where I'm safe. Let's have this conversation. And they are, they're able to have the conversation and move on. Now it's not always easy, it's not always fun to that point. I have to regulate. Yes. In order to be able to regulate them. Yes. And that is so incredibly challenging. Yeah, it is. Especially when they're little. Yes. I just so vividly remember this morning where I couldn't get them both buckled and they're like screaming and da-da-da-da-da-da. And they're both going crazy. And I just like fucking lit them up. I screamed so loud. I was so angry. I was like, couldn't handle my own emotions. And like just went and sat on my front front porch and cried. And I text, and then I remember texting you guys, being like, I remember this. I just did this thing. It's awful. I'm gonna get in the car and I'm gonna apologize to them. It's not okay. I don't know what to do. And I do, I mean, and then I did. I did get in the car and I was like, guys, I'm sorry. Like, mommy got upset, and I need to work on that. I need you guys to work on getting buckled or doing listening. But I recognize that my reaction to what you guys were doing was not an equal and appropriate reaction. And I'm sorry for that. And that's what I feel like all I can do in that scenario. And all we can do as moms is make sure that we are controlling our feelings and controlling what we can as much as possible. But when we get out of control is apologize and treat our kids like they are humans.
SPEAKER_00You're hitting on the most important thing that I think, which is modeling in two ways. One is modeling regulation when they're dysregulated, like letting them borrow your calm, right? So when my two-year-old is spinning out, I can just sit next to her and I won't say to her, breathe, but I will sit there with my hand on my chest and go, and it's nice for me, but it's also modeling to her. When you're ready to join me, come sit with me and we'll do this, right? And sometimes we lose it, right? Like we don't always sit there calmly breathing, right? Sometimes we lose our minds. I remember when it happened to me, I was trying to get Teddy down for a nap. He was probably two and a half, not quite because AJ wasn't born. And he just kept getting out of his bed and getting out of his bed and getting out of his bed. And he never did that. This was I was losing it. And I think I had something to go do. I was just like, Teddy, just stay in your bed. And like the fifth time he got up and opened his door, I yelled like his whole name, Theodore. You get back in your bed and like yelled at him. Yeah. And then like he like looked at me with wide eyes and went and laid in his bed. And then I cried. And then I texted my mom and I was like, I just called him by his whole name and we screamed at him. Oh my God. And then I went into his room because he hadn't fallen asleep and just like rubbed his back. And I was like, I'm sorry, same thing. Apologize. I'm so sorry. I'm sorry I yelled at you. I was upset. I was frustrated, but I'm okay now. It's not your fault. I love you. And like rubbed his back until he fell asleep. So it's modeling calmness when you can and when you inevitably make a mistake. Yes. It's modeling how to repair and move past that because they're gonna make mistakes too. So if all you ever model is perfection and regulation, they're not gonna learn. So they need to see you do it both ways. I also go out of my way when I'm frustrated with something, like even something dumb. If I'm working or I'm trying to put something together or I'm cooking and something burns, I will say, Oh, I'm so frustrated. I this just happened. Let me start again, let me take a breath and like narrate out loud. 100%. So like tell them that like I feel this way too. I don't just sit here on an oasis of calm. Like I feel these feelings too, and this is how I deal with them.
SPEAKER_02That's a big one too. I think naming feelings is huge. Yes. I think part of their dysregulation, and I touched on this earlier, is like they just don't know how to work through what they're feeling because they don't actually understand it. Yes. And that's the same with us. Like we don't understand it. So it's helpful for us to name our feelings, let alone like model that. Like what feelings can I be feeling right now? Another piece that we tried to do when we're having these types of conversations is it's okay to have multiple emotions. Yeah, true. And it started when they were younger and their emotions were physical. So they would come out in thrashing or kicking or hitting or whatever. That happens when they're little, you know, you know, in that one to three age. And we would often say to our son, and this transferred to our daughters, like, you can be mad right now, but you're not allowed to hit me. Right. Or you can be mad right now, but you're not allowed to kick your toys. Yes. And that was that was kind of where this idea started from. But then as they got older and started to really feel their feelings rather like emotionally rather than just physically, it became this I recognize that you're sad, or I recognize that you're happy, but you can also be sadder. Like I would cry about something and be like, mommy, are you sad? Like, yeah, I am sad, but I'm also okay. Like, I'm happy. And you can feel both things. It's okay to have one feeling and an action that matches and doesn't match, but they need you need to be regulated in it.
SPEAKER_00Do you guys have the book, The Crayon's Book of Feelings? We don't, and I've heard you talk about this. Tell our listeners about it. This is a great book for exactly what you're talking about because it's the crayons book of feelings, and it will like Crayola? No, just like you know, like the um the crayons on strike, the crayons. There's it's like a series of these crayon books.
SPEAKER_02Oh, is it like um schoolhouse rock?
SPEAKER_00Like there's a bunch of like no, no, it's crayons? No, no, no. It's like um, it's just a book series. Like these recurring characters are these crayons and they just are in different talking about different things, whatever. Like we have one that's the day the rainbows were gone or something, and the sun and the clouds are fighting. Yeah, the crayons bring the rainbows back. It's cute. But the one we started with was the crayon's book of feelings, and on each page it's a crayon and it's of emotion. So like at first it just says like happy in the crayons, like smiling, and then it says sad in the crayons, yeah, sad face. But then it will say grumpy and a little bit tired, or curious but a little bit shy, and brave but scared. And the last page says it's like a crayon with all these colors, and it says it's okay to feel lots of feelings all at once. So we talk about that a lot. And when we read that book, I'll say, Have you ever felt brave? Did you feel happy today? Did you feel scared today, or whatever it was? And we talk about having multiple feelings and same thing when they're having, when they're through a meltdown, not like during a meltdown, but after, let's say you were feeling really frustrated, huh? You were sad because of this. Yes, okay. And naming those feelings. But if you're looking for, if your kid's like a book responder and like learns well from books, the Crans Book of Feelings is a really good one for this. That's amazing. You don't have the Crans Book of Feelings, but what do you do? I don't you guys do like affirmations or something? We do, yeah. Tell me about that.
SPEAKER_02So we have a list of affirmations that we recite every night. My son now has it like printed and he'll like read it. Yeah. And it's I am beautiful, I am strong, I am brave, I am kind, I am loved, and I am grateful. And so they say those things every night before they go to bed. My son also had a preschool teacher last year who did daily affirmations, and there were a couple different ones in there. So he would come home and he would say, like, I am confident, or I am like, and have a couple other, I forget what they were, but he would mix them in with his daily affirmations in the evening. But they both say them before bedtime. They both recite them. Sometimes they want me to do it with them, sometimes they want to do it by themselves, sometimes they just want me to do it. I think that for us has been really helpful because it it's a calming, it's a ritual, but it's also instilling this idea of their beauty and their intelligence and their bravery and their strength. I know I am smart is not on there because that's at least when our kids were little, that's not something you're supposed to say to them.
unknownI don't know.
SPEAKER_02Really? Yeah, you're not supposed to tell them they're smart anymore. What? I don't know. I say that all the time. I know. I tell my kid he's smart. My kid is smart.
SPEAKER_00Speaking of affirmations, have you heard the Snoop Dogg affirmation song? Oh my gosh, you guys loved that song. Affirmation are positive statements. Yeah, I could think that I could sing that whole thing.
SPEAKER_02Yes, like put that. She went through a really big Snoop Dogg phase. Yeah, we didn't. We did not do that in our house, but um, because we were going through a Taylor Swift phase. I mean, I'm in a Taylor Swift life. I'm just living in the phase. Um, but my daughter went through a big Taylor Swift phase. But anyway, we did not do the Snoop Dogg thing, but I've heard it. If you're looking for some affirmations, Snoop Dogg is where it's at. It's where it's at. Spotify, Apple Music, wherever, wherever you listen to music. It's so cool. How about you go on Spotify, listen to Mobs Off Script, and then jump over? You can go to Snoop Dogg and then you can do that on Apple Music, you can do that on YouTube, wherever you're watching Mobs Off Script, go check out uh Snoop Dogg. All right, so boundaries. Boundaries, boundaries with these little temper tantrum toddlers. Oh, they're so fun. They are fun. Talk to me about the no word. The no word is that a word you guys use in your house.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, we say no, right? I we're not a household that completely avoids it, but I am intentional around trying to make the no's matter and pick my battles. Okay. I don't want to say no a hundred million times a day. They don't want to hear no a hundred million times a day. Yep. So if there's something I can say yes to, because it doesn't actually matter, like my daughter will be like, I want to wear my rain boots to school. You know what? Go for it, girl. Like, I'm not gonna say no to that. That's fine. And unless there's some safety reason not to. So I try to pick my battles, but then also if the answer is no, I will try to match it with a yes or a but blah, blah, blah. So let's say she wants to wear her rain boots to school, but I know they're gonna be doing something outside that involves running. Yeah. I'll say, you know what? Rain boots aren't a good idea today, but what you should do is wear some sneakers so you can run in. Do you want pink or yellow? Right. And so it's not, no, you can't wear your rain boots. It's that's not a great idea. Here's a different choice for you that's a yes. So I'll try and frame it up in a way that makes more sense. I know some people can take this to like the extreme and really try and reframe everything instead of saying, no running, like stay right by mommy, or like, no, no, no, like say what you should do instead of what you shouldn't do. I can't quite take it to that extreme. I also think there is value in your kid hearing the word no and learning to respond to the word no. But I also think toddler brains are not really well wired for the negative. So to the extent when you're giving a direction, instead of saying, don't do this, don't do this, don't do this, telling them the behavior that you do want to see, I've seen has been much more successful.
SPEAKER_02That's interesting. We we've not really talked too much about using no or not using no. We've I know we have backed off of the word no or like tried, actively tried to use other strategies, but we haven't really necessarily put into place what those strategies are. One thing that I do know that we do is similar to your butt. Instead of a hard no, it's a no with an explanation. I rarely say no. And it's just because the one thing that I will say no to and allow them to say no to is uh bodies and so. Oh yes, a thousand percent. Because what I want to make sure that they do understand is that no is a complete sentence.
SPEAKER_00In addition to no being a complete sentence, it's also a powerful sentence. And I think that's why I want to use it sparingly. Correct. Because if they just hear me say no all day, it's gonna just go right in one ear and out the other. But now, because when I say no, I hold that boundary and I mean it, and it's not that often that I truly just say no. Yeah. They know when I say it, I mean it. Right. You know? Now you talked a little bit about setting boundaries and picking and choosing your battles. How do you go about that? Uh I it's a it's a day-to-day thing. Yeah. But my husband and I talk about this a lot, where we agreed very early on that we are united front and your word is gold, right? There are so many times I've heard my husband set a boundary on something, like, no, you cannot eat that lollipop right now. And he's set the boundary and now he's committed, and I'm committed. So if I come into the room and Teddy says to me, Oh, I want that lollipop, I the line has already been drawn. And we are united front and we are holding that boundary. And there's so many times we debrief after bedtime and he'll be like, Oh man, I can't believe I drew that boundary. I'm like, Yeah, why did you draw that boundary? Like that we had to hold it. And he's like, I know. So we're really careful about when we draw a hard line because we know when the line is drawn and the answer is no or yes, whatever it is, your word is gold and we don't walk it back. Even if five minutes into the argument, you're like, man, I really wish I had just said yes. Too late. You've already committed. You've you've said no and now it's a thing.
SPEAKER_02It is challenging. I think that we'll find ourselves setting a boundary. We won't walk it back, but if they start to calm down and regulate, we'll say, okay, you're calming down and you're figuring this out. Let's talk about it. If I think that I've set a ridiculous boundary, I will hold the boundary through the tantrum. Yes, and then allow them to kind of negotiate with me.
SPEAKER_00But importantly, you're not responding to the tantrum by going, okay, fine, right? Because then they're learning, oh, well, if I throw a hard enough tantrum, the answer will change. And here's the hardest thing about that is that that is so hard to do when the tantrums are happening, because it would be so easy to just go, fine, wear your rain boots and move on with the day, then deal with the 20-minute tantrum. But that is one of those things that I feel like in my experience is worth it because it pays off down the road when your kids have now learned no means no or yes means yes. Whatever mom or dad says, they mean it. Yeah. And I'm not gonna get my way by kicking and screaming. I can be mad, I can be upset, I can be frustrated about the decision that was made, but me screaming about it is not gonna change it. So I can't even tell you. Here's a perfect example. The other day when we were out on a at a family thing, your family and my family were both there, and I told my daughter it was time to leave. She was so sad to leave your daughter. Yes.
SPEAKER_01She was like, no, but she was doing it.
SPEAKER_00She was putting on her shoes, she was getting her bag, but the whole time she was like, Oh, I don't want to leave. She was so sad, but she was doing the things to leave. Yes. She let me pick her up and carry her out. She wasn't resisting, she was just being sad about the thing she didn't want to do while doing it.
SPEAKER_02And that goes back to naming feelings. Like you can have feelings, you can do these things. Yep. That doesn't change the outcome of what's about exactly. So feel your feels. When did Temper Tantrum stop? Like let me know. Um like I think that is the hardest part, though, of all of this big feeling stuff is holding those boundaries. Because I can tell you right now, I do my best, but I am not perfect. Oh, yeah. I let those boundaries go every once in a while. I tend to be a yeller, and I tend to not always have the right words. And my husband actually had to pull me aside maybe two or three months ago to be like, can you give them real consequences when you're explaining something to them rather than saying the consequence is mom's going to get upset? It was twofold for me because it was so disappointed in myself that I was like doing that, but it was so great for him to recognize it and like call me out on it and just be like, that's that they're not gonna respond to that. Yeah, it's not an appropriate or healthy response for anybody. It's not appropriate for you to get angry at them for being toddlers and doing what they're gonna do and not listening to you. And it's not, it's instilling fear in them that you're gonna like hurt your feelings. Yeah, they're not, it's there's no respect there. And I was like, you're right, like you're 100% right. And I've had to check myself since then. I've I've felt those words coming out of my mouth and I've pulled the I've that's hard. I have been very able to pull them back, but it was it was a realization moment for me where I was like, I'm in this so deep that the only thing I can say to my kids when they're screaming or when they're not listening is I'm going, you're you're pissing me off essentially. Like, that's not fair to anybody. And it was really, I was very grateful that he called me out on that because this part is challenging. And for to have somebody in your corner who's willing to check you, who is uh checking you, like I felt like he was checking me because he wanted me to be a better parent, but he was also protecting his children. And so it was like very much he was making the comment to better both parties and push everything forward. So I felt grateful for that. And I just like anybody listening that's like, how the hell are these women holding boundaries and doing all these things, dealing with all these big feelings? We're not. Or at least I'm not. Not perfectly, I'm not handling it well. It's very, very challenging. It's so hard. It's these are the strategies that I'm putting into place and like working really hard to actively do. But let me tell you, I slip up.
SPEAKER_00Talk about feeling multiple feelings at once, disappointed in yourself, grateful for your husband. I'm so impressed that you you both have the relationship where he a recognized something that he wanted to talk to you about, b talked to you about it, C, you heard the feedback, didn't get defensive, and like listened to it, and then D applied it or trying to apply it. Like all of that is impressive. Good job. Impressive in some form or another. But it's impressive in its imperfection, right? You're not sitting here going, oh, we're amazing. We manage boundaries and feelings, and we're always perfectly regulated. Like we're not. Right. But we're working on it, and we're working on it in a way that's productive. Yeah.
SPEAKER_02I feel like we've said the word regulate so many times in this. It now sounds I feel like we're just like we should do like a regulate. Regulate counter 412. The funny, the even funnier thing about that is I've started to use the word regulate to my son. Yeah. I I literally said to him multiple times in the last week, you take a few minutes to regulate and let me know when you're okay. All right, mare, mare.
SPEAKER_01Megbeg. Yeah, yeah, that. Megbeg. I don't know. You said Mare Bear, Megbeg. I don't know. Whatever. Meg egg. Megatron.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, there we go. That's me. Okay. Here we are. Your favorite part of the app. I'm ready. I'm sweating. Are you sure? I mean, I'm sure you're sure. I'm sure. Are you sure you're ready? No. All right, let's do it. Lightning round, Meredith, your kids, big feelings. Let's go. Let's try. What is the first thing you do once the kids are asleep after an evening of big feelings? Wine. Wine. Wine. Have you ever had food thrown at you during a temper tantrum? No, I don't think so. How many times have you cried at the end of the day because this shit is hard? Uncountable. What is the most unhinged thing you've ever said to one of your children during a temper tantrum?
SPEAKER_01I think they were freaking out in the car about something. They were like, I want it, no, I want it. I said, if you don't sort it out, I will throw that out the window. Like we were driving, I was just gonna check it. And they both stopped. That's amazing. It worked. Not a good idea, don't advise, but it worked.
SPEAKER_02Do you feel supported by your community when it comes to your kids having big feelings in public spaces?
SPEAKER_00Yeah. Yeah. I don't think I've ever had someone look at me judgy. I think if anything, I've had moments be like, you got this girl.
unknownIt's okay.
SPEAKER_02Have you ever had to football carry one of your kids out of a store?
unknownYes.
SPEAKER_02Yes.
SPEAKER_00Have you ever had to carry both of your kids at the same time football carry out of a store? No, not at the same time. It's only ever been one other time. I think it's been AJ, and Teddy will like recognize when it's a bad moment and he will be on his best behavior like an angel.
SPEAKER_02Mine do the same thing, but then one or the other.
SPEAKER_01Yeah. Oh, that's amazing. That's it. That's all I have for you. You did it. Football carrying your kid out of somewhere.
SPEAKER_02Like, there's almost nothing worse than like just being like, bail, and just open that out. I I am willing to bet every mom listening to this podcast has done it. Football carried their kid out of a restaurant or a restaurant somewhere. And if they haven't, they sure asha has thought about it. For sure. 100%.
SPEAKER_00When you've tried everything else. Okay, we're leaving in five minutes. Okay, it's time to go. Say bye to your friends. One last thing. Okay, let's go. Okay, let's go. We're leaving right now. Okay, I'm picking you up because you're not listening. I'm gonna help you listen by leaving with you under my arm.
SPEAKER_02My gosh, it's wild. Or just they just won't stop having a temperature in a public space. They're just like, okay, evacuate. Let's go. All right, guys. Thanks for tuning in to this week's episode of Moms Off Script.
SPEAKER_01This is a good one.
SPEAKER_02Please tell us we're not alone. Please reach out to us on social media and be like, Oh yeah, uh, check out our socials. You can see some funny behind-the-scenes clips. You can see some fun trends and clips from this episode on TikTok and Instagram. We are Mobs Off Script. Check out our YouTube shorts and watch this episode on YouTube. Leave us some comments there. Send us a text in the show notes. There's so many ways that you can reach us, as well as an email.
SPEAKER_00Email, you can email us at momsoffscript at gmail.com if you have more to say and you want to express yourself via email. We love to hear our fan mail and reach out to you guys. Thank you guys so much for tuning in. We'll see you next Thursday. Bye.
SPEAKER_02MomsoftScript is created and developed by Meg Abiline and Meredith Finch. Set design and videography, Meg Abiline and Meredith Finch. Music, Matt Beattie. Photography, Michelle Montaneri. Graphic Design, Alexia Delube. This episode is edited and produced by Meg Abiline.